by Joel Weichs
Chapter 1
The sign above the door read, “Authentic Treasure Maps for Sale Satisfaction guaranteed or some of your gold back.” Smaller letters on the front window read, “Marcus Exeter adventurer ret. Proprietor.”
When the two hard cases walked into his shop, Marcus thought he was in trouble. When the size 67 extra wide boots followed them in, breaking his door frame in the process, he was sure he was in big trouble. The giantess tried to wedge her body into the tiny shop but became stuck in the doorway. Marcus had dated some tall brunettes in his time, but this woman was ridiculous.
“My name is Carrie, the swordswoman began. I lead a band of adventurers called ‘Carrie's Raiders'. The blonde with me is our mage Esmeralda. We have come to purchase one of your maps, specifically the one showing the tunnels beneath the ruined prehistoric city.”
“That is the most expensive map in my entire inventory, Marcus explained. It was drawn by Ginger Sadowa the killer for hire. She made several trips to the deserted city along with Kitric and other Lords of Darkness. Kitric is said to have been led to a cache of emeralds by the spirit of a paladin of the serpent people. Those emeralds are the basis of his immense wealth.
Ginger's map shows the way to a temple far below the deserted city. The temple is believed to contain much of the treasure of the ancient races that ruled Volante before the coming of humanity. Legend says that the crown of the Scorpion Kings is displayed before the altar. The crown is a massive band of silver encrusted with Amethysts and Rubies.”
The remainder of the day was lost in a haze of drinking and finally sex. After receiving a down payment on the map and the signing of bond documents in the Temple of Hel, Marcus and ‘Carrie's Raiders' had gone to a tavern to celebrate the deal. Marcus remembered staggering home and climbing into bed with 7 females including 1 Halfling after making it with the giantess in the stable. He woke up on the back of a horse headed west towards the tip of Brocalinde and the deserted city. Someone had packed up his gear and his weapons and placed them in the saddlebags. He was chained to the leader Carrie.
“Thank you Sif, Goddess of Love, I had a lifetime of meaningful relationships all in one night. At least they were all female.”
Chapter 2
The party of adventurers was well and truly lost in the great deeps under the Worlde. Ever since the cave-in had dropped forty feet of ceiling, blocking their return to the surface and crushing two members of the band, they had been desperately seeking a way back. Unfortunately, each passage they explored simply led them deeper.
Jana, an emotionally deranged and combat happy woman who served as party scout kept leading them into nasty situations. Marianna -- a half-giantess and the party's only fighter -- brought up the rear with her halberd to discourage any desertions.
“No place to run away to anyhow,” Marcus muttered to himself and anyone else who cared to listen. He had been practically kidnapped by his new wife, who needed a guide to help her find an underground temple ancient, evil and reputedly chock full of treasure. I never expected my life to end like this, Marcus thought, lost under Volante with a band of middle aged female burn-outs for company.
From the dark up ahead came the sound of weapons being readied. Jana signaled the others to wait while she scouted ahead. A few minutes later, she came back and signaled the others to follow her.
Esmeralda, the party mage, gave an exclamation of disgust and took to the air, utilizing her cloak of gliding to pass above the beetles. “What are you afraid of,” Jana yelled after her, “They are only dung beetles.” The adventurers on the cavern floor walked on, stepping between, over and upon the mass of beetles.
“Crunchy on the outside, soft and delicious inside,” quoted the giantess. Her feet crunched a beetle with every step.
“Wasn't that the joke about, ‘What did the ogre say about the knight in armor'?”
“The way I heard it was, ‘What did the polar bear say about the igloo full of Eskimos'?”
“Have you heard the one about the horny Ent and the Unicorn?” the mage began. Then she screamed as she flew into a gigantic web in the darkened cavern. Torches began to glow in the far corners of the cavern. ‘Carrie's raiders' had fallen into the old ‘giant spider with Ork minions trap'!
With a clicking of mandibles the gigantic arachnid raced along the web and began to cocoon the mage. No thrown weapon could be used against the spider since it was wrapped about Esmeralda: A spear or throwing knife was as likely to kill the mage as wound the beast. The giantess poked ineffectively at the creature with the spike on her halberd.
The situation seemed fraught with peril for our heroines.
Chapter 3
“Screw this,” Carrie yelled, “do I have to do everything myself around here?” She pulled a heavy disk of steel out of her pack and attached it the chain she had used to lead Marcus. Whirling the chain faster and faster, she sliced the webbing. Creature and mage fell together to the cavern floor. There, the giantess smashed at the spider with her halberd and kicked the crap out of it with her boots.
Esmeralda untangled herself from the mandibles and claws and wiped about a gallon of smeared spider guts from her face. “I hate it when that happens. Look what that mama jamming bug did to my cloak. It will never glide again.”
“You have killed our Queen, the spider Slobs, the Ork Chieftain screamed. We shall kill you slowly for revenge.”
“According to the minstrel tales you are supposed to be glad she's dead and all of you yell ‘Hooray for Dorothy'”, Marcus reminded him.
“Dorothy threw a bucket of water on a witch, the Ork responded. She didn't stomp the crap out of a giant spider. Anyway we are not happy. We are not friendly. We do not drop our weapons and line dance when our queen is killed. We will have our revenge! Get them Ork boys and girls.”
Marcus hurled 3 javelins at Orcs stupidly carrying torches that kept them from seeing into the darkness ahead. A Ork fell dead, another javelin pinned an Ork to the one behind him. Marcus never saw where the 3rd javelin ended up. He was busy affixing his shield to one arm and drawing his Celt axe.
Carrie's steel disc on the chain cut the head off a charging Ork as the chain wrapped about the neck of another. Carrie tugged sharply and a loud crack signaled the breaking neck of another Ork. Carrie drew her rapier and joined the giantess who was fighting her way through the herd of orcs towards the leader.
Upon a ledge nearby a soft pink glow appeared as an Ork mage prepared a spell. Small bolts of grey energy shot through with pink left his hands to set fire to skin or heat armor.
The Halfling jumped onto the giantess' hand and was hurled across the cavern in the general direction of the mage. She missed the Ork but sliced him across the face with her short sword before colliding with the rock wall and sliding unconscious to the floor.
The scout Jana slashed and dodged her way through the charging orcs until she faced the Ork chieftain. He swung a blow meant to decapitate at her with his axe. She dropped to her knees avoiding the blow and stabbed him in the groin. His return stroke with the haft of the axe smashed in her mouth. The two of them knelt on the floor of the cavern staring at each other. She was spitting blood and teeth and he was clutching at his privates and crying.
The Ork mage was preparing a fire ball spell to engulf the entire cavern. “No more Mr. Nice Guy!” he cried and unleashed his spell, killing a swarm of dung beetles, a dozen Orcs and 2 adventurers. The giantess had thrown her halberd as the spell went off. It cut the vindictive and over excited mage in half.
There were high fives all around as the remaining orcs fled the chamber. Marcus consulted his map and exclaimed, “According to this map, there is an entrance to the ancient temple in a passage just beyond here. We are no longer lost. We just have to avoid the death traps and the monstrous guardians, seize the treasure, and escape back to the surface with the loot.”
“South like a spiff of cake,” Jana answered through a mouth all cut to hell.
To be continued next issue.
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