Review of Ebon
Grupe Chapter 2
by Michael Battaglia
And we're back. Where did I go? I didn't go anywhere, where
did the rest of you go? I've been here the entire time.
But . . . but what are you trying to tell me? Y-you're seeing
another critic? No, it can't be true. I won't believe it.
I thought I was the only one, I thought we were supposed
to last forever. So everything we had, it was . . . it was
just a vicious lie? Oh, I can't go on anymore. The pain,
it's just too much. Oh life, what daggers you fling at me,
heedless of my suffering. Just drive another nail into me,
why don't you? No, stay back, I don't need . . . I don't
want your pity. Keep it to yourself, you've done enough
damage for today. Oh, the shame.
Hmm, what's that? You need me to review the next chapter
by our esteemed founder? But . . . I can't go on. I said
that already. I just . . . I can't go on.
But . . . you really need me?
Oh, all right. I'll go on.
Sometimes I like to make myself feel wanted. Last night
I had a strange dream where a professor (or someone) was
asking some weird question, or at least it sounded like
a question, about where you wanted to go on a trip and various
people kept raising their hands . . . but it was all a trick.
It was only supposed to sound like a question and everyone
who raised their hand at whatever point was clearly not
paying attention and go points taken off. I wasn't paying
attention, but someone warned me in time. I have no idea
what the !#$!# that's supposed to mean.
So, here we are again. Things get a little more interesting
this time out (not because of me, I assure you, that hasn't
changed) because we finally have a repeat customer here,
our own Daniel Olarnick and the second chapter of his continuing
fantasy story. I really like to comment on multi-chapter
stories because I think I have the most fun critic-style,
you really can get into the mechanics of the plot and the
world surrounding the plot and delve into characterization
in ways that really aren't possible when you go through
a short story. Plus, there's more of a chance for me to
do running jokes, which I know everyone always appreciates.
I've actually read this chapter once before, when it was
in the draft stages, but fortunately I forgot what bull
I spouted back then, which means I get a chance to make
up some all new bull this time out. I can tell everyone
is excited over that. Hah!
So we're at chapter two of the Ebon Grupe story, a tale
that will eventually features our author's signature character,
Odan. When last we left our hero, he was getting ready to
join a group of dragon slayers, who we already seen were
like the Magnificent Seven (or Thirty, depending on the
group) of the fantasy world, coming into a village and saving
their butts, sometimes not making it out intact but staying
until the job was done and moving on. I like the general
idea of that, though hopefully we'll eventually get to see
more of the relationship this world has with its dragons
beyond trying to kill them when they go bonkers (though
it's mentioned here and there, I'm one of those firsthand
people).
The chapter seems to be split into two parts, which gives
it a weird structure. In the beginning, right before Ebon
mentions the crystal and Odan, the narration is in the first
person, with Ebon describing his experiences with the dragon
slayers and how he wound up becoming an official member.
After the crystal reference the narrative switches to the
third person, which is a rather jarring shift because the
perspective doesn't change at all, the focus is still Ebon.
It's not exactly clear why the shift is needed, since the
tone or the pacing of the narrative doesn't really change
at all. One theory I liked is that the beginning of the
chapter is Ebon narrating his adventures shortly after they've
happened, perhaps writing in a diary or maybe relating it
to someone else (though the former would almost make him
a scribe, perhaps a later link to Odan and a reason the
two wound up together). The second section of the chapter,
post-crystal mention, is the crystal itself drawing the
memories out of him and Ebon is essentially watching himself
go through his past actions, a theory that's bourn out by
more than one reference to Ebon "seeing" himself
as a younger man. Still, I'm not sure why it needed to be
changed to the third person . . . if anything I would recommend
a shift to the present tense to emphasize the new nature
of the memories . . . in fact we're not really watching
memories anymore, are we? We're witnessing a recording,
which in theory should be "truer" than plain old
memories. But the crystal stuff seems to be a series of
images, fragments of scenes leading up to the end of the
chapter. If anything you could draw a distinction between
what Ebon remembers and what actually happens, make some
discrepancies between the memories in the first half of
the chapter and memories in the second half to call the
whole thing into question . . . after all, maybe Ebon is
just remembering everything wrong. I would accent that by
altering the tone of the two sections . . . the first is
more declaratory, Ebon is just recounting what happened
the same way we write letters to people. The second section
should have a more ethereal quality, not so much hazy as
much as keeping in mind that we're watching the action through
a crystal wall . . . you can see what's going on and maybe
hear it, but it's not perfect and at some point you start
to lose the plot and cause and effect become screwed up.
Just because the crystal records everything perfectly doesn't
mean it's not open to interpretation, or that it's going
to play back the contents with absolute clarity. In order
to see the events the way they're supposed to be, you'd
have to go into the crystal. And maybe only people like
Odan can really do that and that's why he's such a good
scribe, because he takes down the filters that affect our
perception of events and sees things for the way they really
are. Like Ender Wiggins in Speaker for the Dead, he tells
you what really happened, even if it's not exactly what
you want to hear.
Yes, I read into this stuff too much. I thought we were
clear on that already. I like to throw those kinds of little
bits into the story, even if nobody realizes that it's there.
Maybe it's a tad subversive but I don't think I'd go that
far.
It's clear that Dan really put a lot into the sub-culture
of the dragon slayers, the way their camp would operate,
the way they live their lives and the fifty thousand things
that go into killing a dragon that nobody ever thinks of.
A long time ago, I remember pointing out impossibly hard
it would be to kill a dragon with just regular people (as
opposed to having like, Thor or Superman on your side) since
you're fighting something that a) is huge b) can fly c)
breathe fire d) maybe cast spells and e) has absolutely
no problem eating you and the army you came with. It could
fly really high and crap on people and probably kill them
that way. Dragons probably eat a lot of fiber, you drop
half a ton of fecal matter on someone from half a mile up
and see what's left of them after you dig them out two days
later. So Dan, to his credit, apparently went through and
really worked out how a bunch of people could kill a dragon
and realized two things. One, it would take a lot of practice
and two, it probably wouldn't always work. And I think that's
the key to understanding the people in this story. As soon
as they become dragon slayers they're living on borrowed
time. He emphasizes the communal nature of the group and
whatnot, but the big thing no one talks about is that every
man in the camp has a death wish of one form or another.
Sure you might call it "living for danger" or
"he's such a daredevil" but that's pretty much
what it boils down to. They're no different than the pilots
in the fifties testing out the supersonic planes. They loved
doing it, but just because you succeed once doesn't mean
that the whole damn thing isn't going to blow up under you
next time. So what we have here is a group of test pilots,
with the act of "piloting" given mythical resonance
and an almost ritualistic reverence, turned into a sort
of weird Art. Ebon's fondest dream is to become the Last
Blood, the guy who makes the killing thrust . . . which
is an elegant way of ending a fight when in reality it probably
devolves into a bunch of people with swords beating the
living hell out of whatever part of the dragon is closest
to them and the damn thing is probably dead for five minutes
before anyone realizes it. That's adrenaline for you.
But this isn't The Naked and the Dead version of dragon
slaying, this is a fantasy story and on that level the basic
mechanics of the situation works. The scene with the wizard
animating the dead skin of the dragon as a practice dummy
for the crew to work with is a neat idea and makes sense,
since they need something to practice with. Halfway through
the battle is not the time to figure out that your strategy
is lacking something. Dan emphasizes how the different factions
of the slayers have to work together (although I do think
if I were a dragon and people starting shooting arrows at
me, I'd be in the air faster than you could say "baked
or fried" . . . so maybe kicking off with projectiles
isn't the smartest thing, but hey you can't argue with success)
and again, this makes logical sense. Guys with swords aren't
going to kill a dragon on their own. Lads with arrows won't
do it alone. Wizards are no good by themselves. Everyone
together, maybe they stand a chance then. So it comes across
as well-thought out and built on a logical foundation, which
only helps ground the reader and helps them believe the
tale. Even in a fantasy story, they need something to latch
onto. Otherwise they just get lost.
I've already given an overview of what I think of the "post-crystal"
section (only in fantasy can I say stuff like that, but
then in SF I can say stuff like "oblong matter devoider")
but now I get to go into more detail, much to everyone's
delight. I think this section would definitely benefit from
the magical thing that is italics (which it might have,
such little bits don't always translate from document to
web page too well) to differentiate the "present"
(where Ebon is about to get his butt kicked) from the "past"
(where the party is getting ready for their final, ill fated
mission) and use it to have Ebon's memories float from one
event to the other. The device of using the countdown to
set the tension for the scene was a good idea, although
I think it could have been paced better, with the numbers
more evenly spaced apart. But that's probably a question
of style more than anything else, I'll admit. Another method
of doing those final sequences could be using the actual
fight as the images seen in the crystal and have the other
scenes leading up to the fight be part of Ebon's memories
. . . thus you could tell the fight in third person past
tense and have the others set as flashbacks in a present
tense style, giving them a ghostly, hazy quality, the people
in the memory having no idea what was coming but the tone
of the memory of itself tinged with regret and the knowledge
that it was all going to end badly.
Thus, I think the fight should be the centerpiece of the
entire chapter. Dan does a good job of giving us the basic
character of the dragon slayers, this way we get some idea
about what was lost when the fight went wrong, but most
of the slayers are described in a sentence or two and we
really don't get much of a sense of them beyond their basic
function, this guy was the wizard, this guy was a dwarf,
etc and so on. We can't really feel the ultimate tragedy
of the battle because it's just words on paper, we're not
into the battle itself. And I do think the battle should
have been more of a focus, we get snatches and bits and
pieces but we don't really get a chance to feel the chaos
. . . we're shown the events leading up to the battle and
all the painstaking preparations, but next thing we know
almost everyone is dead. I think a narration describing
each person's death, some tragic, some stupid, some heroic
would be a more striking thing and really show the reader
how dangerous this life is.
specially because, considering how much the group prepares
for the battle (one thing . . . they spend a lot of time
building the Containment Walls . . . presumably magic is
involved otherwise I don't see how you'd be able to keep
the dragon in . . . how exactly is it that the dragon, well
schooled in magic, doesn't sense the wall going up . . .
or do they hold off on the magic part until the last second?)
we don't see what went wrong. After all, this is an experienced
team and why it went so bad? Poor luck? Someone screwed
up? The dragon was tougher than expected? Again, I think
the battle is glossed over a little too fast, I would have
gone into a lot more detail and that way the reader is shocked
when all of a sudden people are dropping left and right,
after you went through all the trouble of showing them these
painstaking preparations. That tension would go a long way
to making the chapter stick in the mind . . . especially
if you showed that the team was racing against time, have
them surveying a pile of houses that the dragon had destroyed
while they were off building the wall, have them sitting
around the campfire listening to the nutty dragon's screams
in the dark, it's details of that sort that can bring the
reader into the story itself. As it stands now, we're distant
from the proceedings, with the crystal between us and the
story and as such we can watch the people run around behind
the glass and see what they do, but it may not make perfect
sense and if we look away for a bit and let the show continue
on its own, we may not feel like we've missed anything.
This chapter is a good opportunity to hit the ground running,
especially since it ends in a great cliffhanger (the dragon
kills everyone and takes Ebon away . . . why does he do
that? Well we have to read the next chapter to find out,
eh?) so might as well entice the reader with gritty, bloody
battle beforehand. Otherwise it feels detached and almost
an academic exercise, the "Steps to Slaying a Dragon
101" written out of order.
But considering how much more I would have thrown in, the
chapter accomplishes a heck of a lot, to be honest. Dan
almost sketches out the entire dragon-slayer lifestyle in
a few paragraphs, giving us a sense of their dedication
and (maybe) insanity, tosses in hints that this is far more
cosmic than it first appears, manages to include a battle
of sorts and we get tidbits on the life cycle of a dragon
(a definite must for later chapter is to define what the
heck "dragon madness" is . . . what exactly is
it, how does their behavior differ from "normal"
dragons, what the heck is the usual relationship between
people and dragons to start with) and I'm sure tons more
details are forthcoming in later chapters if experience
is any guide.
The chapter's full to bursting, it seems. Which is generally
what I expect from Dan's work. So this chapter does what
a good chapter is supposed to do, move the plot along, give
us more insights into the characters and the world that
they live in, and then cap it all off with a reason to keep
us all reading. That's a good map for how chapters should
work. So how come I can never do it, when I seem to know
so damn much about it? Alas, the answer is monkeys, I'm
afraid.
These columns get longer and longer the more I do them
and I'm not quite sure how many people just say "the
heck with this" and bail halfway through (the "strained
metaphor-o-meter" tends to leap toward the red zone
very early on) so I think we'll just sign off here. I'm
not sure how far Dan has progressed on the third chapter
but I'm sure we'll see it up here when he's finished with
it. Meanwhile, I see that Gabe has a second chapter of his
story up. Hm, a game of oneupmanship, perhaps? Even if there
isn't, I'm going to insinuate otherwise. It warms my dark
soul. Ha! Oh and since nobody reads this far down, I might
as well throw this in . . . I came up with a title/phrase
"Dance for me, Moon Dog, in my tree of love" and
I think it's catchy but I can't figure out where I can use
it? As a title? A witty aside in a story? Drop it in casual
conversation? I can't decide. Maybe I'll make a contest
out of it. If you convince me, I'll give you a big hug.
I'll even drive all the way to your house to administer
it. There's nothing creepy about that at all. In fact, I'm
sure people will find it a very encouraging prize. And we've
just driven this joke, way, way, way into the ground. Let's
nip this, now.
So on, three . . . two . . . one . . .
And . . . we're . . . done!
Whoo!
- MB
5.27.04
"Sometimes the good life wears thin . . ." -
the Magnetic Fields, I Wish I Had An Evil Twin
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