Review of Odan
the Scribe
December 2003
I'm probably the only person so in love with my own typing
that I could write all that nonsense last time and still
leave stuff out. But, yes, as hard as that is to believe,
after subjecting you poor people to all that garbage last
time, I left out one crucial bit of information.
What the @!%$ am I doing here?
Am I just someone who managed to gain FTP access and is
uploading these bits without the knowledge of the site's
creators? The computer itself, starved for attention? One
of the site's founders, strung out on the influence of one
too many unsavory substances? None of those are true, alas.
But I suppose I should explain anyway, just so we have a
little context here.
As it turns out, Mr. Daniel Olarnick, the site creator
and mastermind behind this here operation, and I happen
to go back a ways, if you define "ways" as about
four or five years. As I mentioned last time, I originally
weathered the harsh grit of public discourse on the freewheeling
AOL writing message boards, back when people actually posted
on them more than twice a month. I became well known as
the guy who not only wrote really, really long stories,
but was more than willing to engage any of my critics in
lengthy explanations or debates for the smallest of reasons
and so I managed to garner quite a presence on the board
itself, especially when I began to introduce each posting
with increasingly bizarre stream of consciousness type paragraphs.
And then of course I began to comment on other folks' stories,
only increasing my visibility and attracting the attention
of those who wished to see me crushed, er, I mean wished
to work with me.
For those who have never been on the AOL boards, a note
on how they're organized. At the time it was divided into
several different folders, mostly arranged by type of story
as opposed to genre, as well as how much help a writer wanted
from the resident moderators. So there were boards for novels
and short stories, one set of which the AOL staff would
often make more detailed comments on story construction
and grammar and the finer points. For those who knew what
they were doing (sadly, I was one of those) the other boards
offered more opinion based commentary without people trying
to teach you how to write. And for those who wanted something
completely different, there were the Shadowed Lands, a shared
world setting where everyone contributed characters and
plots in a more controlled environment, where the basic
rules were laid out and people just sort of ran with it,
the idea that things one group of characters did could affect
the others. From what I heard, it was fairly popular, but
I couldn't tell you for sure, since I stayed the heck away
from it. People who know me know that I'm an absolute control
freak when it comes to writing and a true collaboration
would mostly consist of me constantly attempting to hijack
the story and steer it toward where I wanted it to go. That's
not the sort of thing that builds friendships and since
I don't look to start trouble, I intelligently stayed away
from that playground.
Fortunately for me, a lot of the people involved in the
shared world posted and read on the other boards. One of
those people was DanO, whose signature creation Odan was
a prominent character in the original shared world, albeit
in an early incarnation. Eventually the Shadowed Lands was
discontinued on as ongoing project and some of the folks
who had been involved in that board talked about setting
up yet another shared world to let their characters play
in. By this time DanO and I had struck up several conversations
online, my barrages of endless commentary (sometimes longer
than the piece I was commenting on) quite possibly caught
his attention and made him think "What the heck kind
of nut is this guy?" So we went back and forth on several
topics, I'm pretty sure I commented on at least one of his
Odan stories on the message boards itself. As it turned
out, we shared fairly similar philosophies about writing,
possessed a near shameless disregard for convention and
were both interested in coming up with as many mad ideas
for a story as humanly possible, even if our individual
methods differed considerably. Needless to say, we got along
quite well. DanO has always been one of my most fervent
supporters and has never been less than enthusiastic about
my stuff, even when all the strangeness going on makes the
story almost impossible to read. For my part, I've always
done my best to act as a sounding board for his ideas and
suggest ways to refine them, although it's not like he really
needs my help.
But one thing that DanO excels at is organizing and recruiting
and when he and some others were putting together a new
shared world (The Phantom Realms, which can be still found
online, although it's inert now), I was one of the newer
faces that he tried to get to contribute. Alas, I'm a bit
of a stubborn cuss and couldn't be convinced to add any
actual writing to the mix (probably a good thing, the words
"team player" not exactly printed on my body anywhere)
since I was working on stuff of my own at the time and couldn't
be counted on to meet the deadlines required. However, he
was able to convince me to become basically the "Official
Critic" of the site, which I took on as best I could.
The gig lasted four or five months and I threw myself into
it, reading each chapter and sending out comments to the
group at large for further comment. As of now, you can read
my initial comments still on the site itself but that barely
scratches the surface of the debates and discussions that
each new series of commentary sparked. It was great fun
and I don't regret a moment of it, although now I'm not
quite sure where the heck I found the time (I was going
to school and working on a novel at the same time). That
project eventually came to a premature end as well for a
variety of reasons and everyone basically went their separate
ways.
Since then DanO and I have had numerous writing related
conversations in the two or so years since. He has asked
for my input on a number of things related to this site,
although I should point out that the initial idea and the
driving force behind it is totally him. The story I'm about
to comment on is a familiar one to me as well, one that
I've encountered in several rougher variations in the past,
as DanO has often run the earlier versions by me for thoughts
and comments. But I don't think I've seen this current version
yet and since I can barely remember my comments from last
time, it'll be almost like I'm seeing it for the first time.
So while this may not be too enlightening for the fine fellow
who wrote it, I'll try to make it entertaining for the rest
of you.
Technical note for those still with us . . . it's probably
best to either read the story in question first or bring
it up on a separate screen to follow along. While I won't
be going line by line, I do try to refer to the story itself
as often as I can. This will save some people from confusion,
if there's anyone who cares about such things.
As I've mentioned already, Odan is the main character here
in DanO's saga and he's basically stayed the same since
I first encountered him in fictional form. The first few
paragraphs here do a good job of introducing us to this
fellow and the conflict we're about to encounter, giving
us hints of an epic battle that's coming up in the future
and acting as a decent overview to the land itself. Odan's
true occupation is relayed through an aside, the "I
might not be there to inscribe it" comment, which I
think is better than "This is Odan, he is a Scribe"
since it lets the reader do some work. You want to make
sure the reader understands everything but at the same time
you want to do it organically and not just let the text
act as an exposition dump. It's a fine line to walk and
not that easy to do correctly, especially when bringing
readers into a new world with different rules. You might
even say that too much information is imparted in these
beginning chapters, since basically the entire conflict
is outlined, from the dragons taking over to the humans
revolting and taking control again. It really depends on
what the focus of the story is, and if it's going to center
on the conflict with the dragons, letting the reader know
now, "Oh yeah, eventually we win", while it may
be self-evident (hey, Good always win, eh?) it also sucks
a little of the potential drama out of the whole affair.
Odan's just seen the future . . . though there is a notation
that he's staring into the "multi-faceted" future,
which implies that it's not carved in stone, so to speak.
There's variations and there's variations. It's really all
about execution, you can take the crappiest idea in the
world and make it work if you pull it off with the right
amount of flair (QED Boy bands . . . I'm sorry, I couldn't
resist) and there are plenty of fine ideas that just fell
flat on their faces. It's impossible to judge a story based
purely on the first chapter so take what I say with a wee
bit o' salt.
So how about we move on? Sure. The beginning sections are
fairly psychedelic in their tone, if that's the right word,
with all the talk of gemstones and Lots of Capitalized Words
That Aren't Normally Capitalized and Odan saying a lot of
portentous things to himself. It's all very cosmic and whatnot,
but the author has to be careful not to lose the reader
completely in all this high-falutin' cosmic talk, especially
when it gets really trippy as the Four Horsemen (of the
Prophecies? . . . they must be moonlighting) show up and
everyone starts talking about really strange things. Still,
the beginning is probably supposed to be a little on the
"huh?" side since the reader just stepped in,
you don't want them to be totally comfortable right off
the bat. After all, where's the allure in safety? If you
don't throw in a little oddness to intrigue the reader,
then they might get bored and wander off, perhaps to a fine
Danielle Steel novel and the riches that lay inside waiting
for them.
At some point you do have to throw the reader something
resembling a bone and the appearance of the Horsemen is
probably where the fossils should start flying. We watch
as Odan makes a deal with these . . . beings, but we really
have no idea what kind of power they have to allow him to
do such a thing. Are they really the embodiment of War and
Fury and Death and Conquest (and really, aren't all four
really aspects of the same thing . . . why four horsemen,
why not one horseman with four sides to his head, like that
Living Tribunal guy in the old Marvel Comics . . . God he
creeped me out) or just delusional fellows on horseback?
And if they are the embodiment of whatever, why don't they
just kill Odan on the spot just because? I know, I know,
the prophecy that Odan has says that if they fight him one
will die . . . but how do you kill the embodiment of Conquest?
Does that mean everyone loses the desire to succeed if that
happens? That wouldn't be good. It's the will to conquer
that keeps us going, if not for that how will I ever find
a girl who . . . oh wait, maybe he's already kicked. Oops.
Bad Odan!
I apologize in advance but I have to ask this question
. . . what does fierceness taste like? Is it salty, with
a tangy aftertaste? Or perhaps robust with merely a touch
of zesty spices? The Horsemen might spend their free time
studying the culinary arts, crafting their weapons with
just the right amount of seasoning, so that a man might
meet the most flavorful of demises. Perhaps the flavor is
tailored to each Horseman's personal skill, with Fury's
sword having an in-your-face taste that grabs your attention
and forces you to realize that your guts are piled somewhere
around your ankles. War's might be the type of snack that
wakes you up, like multiple stab wounds to the chest, while
Conquest might have a more subtle spice to it, the kind
that takes a while to sink in, not unlike the feeling of
getting your throat slit from behind, instantly decapitating
you. And of course Death's would just be flat and stale,
because he's Death. Are you going to tell him it stinks?
Yes sir I'm glad nobody knows where I live. Moving on,
then. There are a lot of things that the reader has to take
on faith here, fortunately DanO used the Golden Age SF method
of writing (which I'm rather fond of, to be honest) and
throws out half a million concepts that you don't really
have a chance to think about all of it. A lot of things
will hopefully get explained later, such as why the Horsemen
chose that moment to confront him, why handing off the gems
pacifies them (and did Odan basically just give them the
souls of an entire world just so he can walk away with his
friends . . . that's cold, buddy), why the heck Bijou scares
them so much (he's a big dog, you have a giant sword that
tastes like lightly fried salmon . . . this is a contest?).
Why does Odan even give them the gems in the first place?
They already don't want to fight him, why doesn't he just
say the heck with it and walk away and do what he wants?
Or is it to give them a chance to save face and not look
like total cowards? Granted, I don't expect everything to
be explained in the first chapter (or even the second .
. . see, I'm not that critical) but it's definitely things
that need to be touched upon eventually.
I do have to give credit to the prose, which is descriptive
without being overly dense, sort of Hemmingway on crack
in its feel and actually does a good job of setting the
scene with remarkably few words. It's not minimalism, but
it's close enough for me. The dialogue isn't on the same
level, veering from decent to bombastic, more often favoring
the latter. This is fantasy though, so that sort of thing
can be excused and most of the dialogue does what it's supposed
to do, gets to the point and moves the story along and since
this stuff is supposed to be epic, things probably should
get a little out of proportion. I'm probably revealing my
own biases here, since I tend to lean toward more naturalistic
types of dialogue, complete with awkward pauses and rambling
sentences. Part of the problem of course is that there isn't
that much dialogue to begin with, other than the brief sequence
where Odan and the Horsemen chat, it's mostly Odan talking
to himself, so future chapters will be the real test here.
Again, it's not bad, I've seen far worse in old Jack Kirby
comics ("Stand aside, Infinity Man! Mantis is your
master now!" . . . whoa, feel the wrath of their bombast)
and it'll be the smaller moments, the more back and forth
situations, where we'll really see how well DanO puts his
dialogue together. The best test I've found is that if you
take away everything else you should be able to figure out
who is talking. The best teacher I've seen for that is William
Gaddis' ridiculously obscure novel JR which is comprised
entirely of dialogue for seven hundred pages. It's good
but you'll work for it, trust me.
One of the best moments in the chapter for me is when Odan
releases the stones into the pool, the way this scene is
set up, especially with Odan's parting comment, renders
the sequence as a touching farewell and a hint of what might
be coming along later. The prose strikes the perfect balance
here between a more reflective feel and the hallucinogenic
quality of the rest of the chapter and I think this is the
place where it really makes an emotional connection with
the reader, so for the first time the chapter feels grounded
and Odan someone we might actually know.
Then the jarring moment comes . . . Moultrance the who?
What? What the heck? Every time I read this I'm sort of
blindsided by how abrupt it is, like we take a detour into
a totally different story. I've commented before on this
but I do think that the scene really does come out of nowhere,
sure it works in its own way because of the shock factor
where you're like "Oh how nice Odan realized the .
. . what the frig!" but by just dumping it into the
chapter I think it drains some impact from the scene itself,
especially emotionally. I think if there were segments interspersed
earlier in the chapter, perhaps showing Moultrance getting
ready to make his move, or even past fragments of dialogue
showing the two of them arguing, all of it leading inevitably
to that fateful second with Odan's head, it would be more
satisfying because it would have that "slow motion
car accident" sort of feel, you know something bad
is about to happen but you don't know exactly how. Especially
since Moultrance isn't really given any introduction at
all except for the throwaway line by one of the Horsemen,
so the reader is asking "Who's this homicidal joker?"
which in itself isn't a bad thing since it does get the
reader interested. But I think a better idea would be to
drop hints about Moultrance early on so that the reader
is curious and then when he does that decapitation thing
you'll have the reader hooked so they want to know even
more. Especially since Moultrance really only acts like
a stereotypical pulp villain here, his only dialogue really
consisting of screams of vengeance or maniacal laughter
of the "Moo-hoo-ha-ha!" type, alternating with
Dr Doom like phrases such as "I've won, you fool."
Having read other parts of the story, (so nyaah) I know
the fellow is a lot more subtle and cultured than he appears
here but this chapter really doesn't show it. You want to
make Moultrance very much Odan's opposite number right from
the start, show him as a dangerous man who has outmaneuvered
the great Odan and brought about his potential downfall,
while here he just seems like a guy who was sitting around
with a big sword and thinking, "Gosh, I've just sharpened
and now what am I supposed to . . . yay!"
There's no context, which I guess is my ultimate point
here. For all the reader knows, maybe Moultrance is doing
the right thing. So I think this part of the chapter needs
a better foundation to work from, if only to heighten its
impact.
That said, the rest of the chapter is as well done as the
rest, with the action scenes actually having a decent sense
of pacing (not that easy to do, especially in writing where
the reader can go as fast or slow as he or she likes). I'm
still not sure why Moultrance doesn't just cut Bijou into
pieces with the giant reaper he just used two minutes before,
or why he didn't think of a back-up plan in case Bijou got
through (the Horsemen knew of him, so I'm sure Moultrance
had to have some idea of what he could do) . . . which also
illustrates the importance of the most underrated spell
in fantasy literature . . . teleport. Mages, in the name
of all that is holy, learn the damn spell. All the guy had
to do was get rid of Odan, grab the gem and teleport out.
How bloody hard is that? So no, instead he just gets his
hand bit off. Ouch, I say. Though I do like Bijou's depiction
here as a sort of primal fury, which is close to the way
I imagined him. And DanO does a good job of capturing the
chaos inherent in a free for all melee, even with two people
it feels like a dozen things are happening at once.
Plus, the conclusion sets up the story, though I'm not
sure if I'd end with the scene involving Moultrance shouting
out his curses like the aforementioned Dr Doom at "That
. . . cursed . . . RICHARDS!!!" and screaming and clutching
his arm like a little sissy (though the regeneration spell
was a nice touch . . . but next time learn the teleport
spell and it won't be necessary, pal), I think the scene
with Bijou descending and crystallizing is a poignant touch
that sorts of hints at a transcendence theme (going down
to go up, maybe that's not what DanO intended but that's
how I read into it) while the tacked on epilogue with Moultrance
just feels like B-movie stuff, with weird special effects
(that skull, boy that's creepy) and the reattached hand
and the "bolts of mystical lightning" and so on
and so on. My advice, lose that part and end with Bijou.
It leads to questions and ends on a nice poetic type note.
I like this and I've liked it ever since I first read it.
I can't even begin to explain the changes since that first
draft I saw I don't even remember how long ago but the core
of it really hasn't been altered that much and I think the
premise behind the chapter is sound. Is it confusing at
first? Sure, but what first chapter isn't in some way? It's
that confusion that leads the reader to keep reading, to
try and figure out what the heck is going on? The trick
is to make it worth their while when they do start reading.
That of course, only time will tell so it's too early to
even speculate. But as first chapters go, this does the
job well in raising interest. It flows well, showcases a
lot of mad ideas and present concepts that most people have
to imbibe illegal substances to attain. And it ends (potentially)
on a neat hook.
Gee, that didn't go so bad, eh? Let's see how many more
of these DanO lets me do now. I even managed to finish this
while putting in a fifty-five hour work week which turns
out to be a personal best. And I don't even get overtime!
Go me!
But nobody out there cares about that. Poor me. Sigh.
Nice work, Mr Author Type Person. I look forward to seeing
the next chapter sometime soon. Any comments, send them
to DanO or me. Feedback on this column is greatly appreciated
(even if I am an egotistical jerk . . . peons) and I'm sure
DanO would love to have comments other than mine on his
story (in fact I'm almost certain, please, save him from
me) so get cracking out there. I did the hard part now it's
your turn.
Other than that, happy holidays to all and see you folks
(or "folk", as it may be) next time.
- MB
12.19.03
"And so I stand and the sound goes straight through my
body, I'm so bloated up happy I could throw things around
. . ." - The Chills, "Heavenly Pop Hit"
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