I'm attempting to write two of these things in the same
month. A sign of too much free time? I'm sure the Universe
will figure out a way to correct that shortly. I still don't
have a schedule for this week. But what else is new? I commented
to someone earlier in the week that my job would really
stink if I had something resembling an exceedingly active
social life. Unfortunately, Mrs. Battaglia's oldest son
doesn't indulge himself in the clubbin' life. I can wrap
whatever I need to do around my schedule, like a contortionist.
And I'm all about priorities. Which is why I'm back here,
pumping out this bad boy for all those salivating fans out
there. Because, hey, when it comes to me, who's to say how
much is too much?
Please don't anyone answer that. My self-esteem needs the
illusion.
Down to business then. Down, down, down. Generally something
that happens twice can't be considered a motif but since
it's my damn column and I highly doubt that anyone is going
to run to the nearest dictionary and look up the word "motif",
we're going out on a limb and noting the "second chapter"
motif that is now popping up. Last time, we went through
the zesty and tender chapter of our own DanO, which this
time out we sink our palates into the simmering textures
of Gabe's continuing saga, of which I reviewed the first
chapter only two scant columns ago. It's still sizzling
on the burner. Go read it now, before it gets cold. Oh,
how we drive the metaphor into the dirt, kicking and screaming
as I hold it down. New paragraph!
Ah. Now that's service. Last time out with the first chapter
I had expressed a desire to see future chapters and no doubt
Gabe wrote this new chapter purely at my request, because
much like the Illuminati, I rule the world. However, unlike
that bunch of whining posers, instead of focusing my energies
in useless directions like manipulating stocks or changing
national governments, I make good things come about . .
. like new chapters. I'm also the New Chapter Fairy. It's
true. If you ever get your teeth punched out, leave them
under your pillow and when you wake up you'll find shiny
new chapters under your pillow. Unless you bleed all over
the pillow. Then you get nothing. Ick! Clean up after yourself.
Or if you're a bad person. Then I give you someone else's
chapters and you get arrested and fined for plagiarism.
And thus is the fate of all evil men! Ha! I'm having too
much fun here. Time to take it down a notch.
Last chapter was basically introduction and setup, putting
before us the two main characters of your story (presumably
that's who they are, unless you're going to pull a George
R.R. Martin and kill them off in a few chapters . . . which
would be cool too since it would make me look like a clairvoyant
genius) and giving us an idea of their basic natures . .
. the lovable rogue/bard fellow Hadrian and the brooding
tormented warrior guy Valdor. And introductions are all
well and good but of course for there to be a story, stuff
needs to start happening. And lo! Before us we begin to
see a direction!
The first section is a neat bit of characterization and
features a welcome attention to detail. One of the things
I had pointed out as a thing to work on in the last chapter
was detail and either Gabe listened to me (survey says:
nah) or he was just warming up because this opening section
with Hadrian has just the right amount of detail to set
the mood, getting us into his head while putting us back
at the bar. It also reveals our little halfling to be a
bit of a fatalist, albeit one of the cheerful kinds, though
we'll see how much that applies when the arrows start flying.
Adventure is always fun until the blood begins to flow.
Then it's duck and cover time. And actually I have to apologize
for only skimming the songs . . . the one here is pretty
funny, to be honest, though it reminds me of Frank Zappa
in a G-rated mood. Another interesting bit was the mention
of the Red Gryphon Inn, which I've seen before and tends
to be the center of much activity. I imagine the appearance
of said inn was not a coincidence. Could appearances by
Odan and company be far behind? Hey, why not? Stick everyone
in one story. It'll save me precious column inches.
But of course the bit with Hadrian is just more set-up
. . . it's the next section where things actually start
happening. We've seen warriors and we've seen bards and
we've seen hints of magic . . . that means mages can't be
far behind. Her fight with the lizard type guy is the first
real bit of action in the story . . . it does fall a bit
into the cliché camp with the "gosh he was really
easy to beat, let's go loot the body now and-argh!"
thing happening. Why does nobody ever go "Boy that
was too easy" and chuck another fireball onto the body
just to be on the safe side. Worst case scenario the bad
guy jumps up and starts screaming "Ah! I'm on fire!"
and that answers that question. Then you can kill him. Frankly,
given that everything in these fantasy type worlds is magical
and possessed of strange abilities, I don't consider anyone
dead if his or her head is still attached to the body. Even
if they do live through that brutal separation, you can
run off with the head and throw it in a river and they either
have to find it or grow another one, both of which takes
time. So the beginning of the fight isn't too deceptive,
although it does give us a brief second to get to know Sidria,
our new character and her magical staff and whatnot. I do
like the concept of attaching the crystal to a staff to
augment magical powers . . . that makes sense and it's good
to see someone actually making use of these "life crystals"
that keep popping up everywhere that seem so damn important
and yet nobody seems to know what to do with them. So Sidria
gets bonus points for ingenuity at least, even if it doesn't
help her too much. Flaming arrow? In the chest? Even magic
missile makes more than one little missile . . . send three
to the chest and three to the face and if he's still standing
send the rest wherever.
Sidria comments that people seem to want the staff because
it's really powerful. Two words for ya, kid . . . cloaking
spell. I'm sure it's in the spell book somewhere. There's
a reason Tristian can disguise the laser sword as an umbrella
or a flashlight. In Matt Wagner's Mage, Mirth (the mage)
hid Excalibur as a glowing green baseball bat, telling everyone
that he had turned an ordinary baseball bat into a formidable
weapon. In reality, he was hiding the ultra-powerful sword
in plain sight (it became a glowing white bat when revealed,
in case anyone is curious). If you keep getting attacked
because you are carrying something everyone wants, there
are two options: either get rid of the stupid thing, or
figure out a way to keep it out of sight. The third option,
which is the one Sidria appears to like, is to keep fighting
people until someone tough enough beats the crap out of
you and takes it. Diminishing returns, my friend, diminishing
returns.
The fight is supremely well choreographed and well-paced,
to boot, keeping the action moving and keeping the outcome
just enough in doubt. Considering it's two people essentially
doing the punch-kick-dodge thing for a couple of pages,
Gabe manages to keep it relatively interesting and it more
than makes up for the "is he or isn't he dead?"
bit at the beginning. It does strike me as a little weird
that someone who keeps getting attacked (by her own admission)
and is a decently trained mage (she has some experience
and elves by their very nature are pretty good at the magic
thing) hasn't thought to memorize more close-fighting type
spells. How hard would it have been to go "Oh the heck
with this", throw up a shield, and then proceed to
blanket the entire alley in a firestorm? Bingo, problem
solved. And there's plenty of easy, low-level type spells
that can be used in close quarters . . . just because it
doesn't reduce stuff to ash, doesn't mean it's not useful
. . . a little blinding flash (lizard's don't really have
eyelids) will give you a second to duck back while the lizard-guy
is trying to figure out why the entire world is a shimmery
shade of white and then you can throw those flaming arrows
into his throat at your leisure. I mean, hey, she's fighting
a lizard, they're cold blooded, why not just cast "lower
temperature" on the area surrounding him and let his
metabolism do the work. Lower it enough and you can probably
kick him in the face a few times before he even notices.
I would even get started on the lack of a "teleport"
spell, an ability I consider crucial for every young wizard
and wizardette to learn. I've probably mentioned this already
and if not get used to it because there are one or two points
I like to harp on like an old lady chasing you pesky kids
off her lawn . . . teleporting is one of them. It's such
a simple spell that nobody ever uses and it's so friggin'
frustrating. Reptile-guy too close? Teleport away! Fight
getting too brutal? Teleport away! Want a quick and show-offy
way to get rid of mean reptile-fellow? Teleport him five
hundred feet straight up and let nature and gravity finish
the fight for you. If you let your wizard get really good
at it you can always have her teleports chunks of masonry
into his head and stuff like that. Nothing says "game
over" quite like a large piece of stone suddenly appearing
in the center of your brain.
With all that said, I think the point I'm getting at here,
however facetiously I'm arriving at it, is that magic can
really free up the way you view any facet of the story.
While magic has to follow whatever reality has been established
in the story itself, it's good to remember that it's the
writer's way of breaking the laws of physics while still
maintaining the "reality" of the story itself.
Thus, imagination is key and I would tend to argue that
what separates a good wizard from a poor wizard isn't so
much the former is alive and the latter isn't (though I
suppose turning yourself into a smoking crater isn't a great
testament to one's skills) but that a good wizard relies
on imagination and finds new and interesting ways to use
spells, ways beyond the ones described in the Dungeon &
Dragons Player's Handbook. Also I should note, that a good
wizard would know his or her strengths. Sidria is a good
example . . . she's clearly not a great hand-to-hand fighter,
which is understandable since she's been spending all of
her time practicing magic. No problem. Thing is, she can't
rely on the fact that she'll be able to keep all her enemies
really far away . . . she needs to have a back-up plan for
when they get in close. Saying, "Gee, he's too close
now to use spells" isn't such a great thing when you're
being stabbed in the chest. Worst case scenario, drop the
fireball at his feet and promise yourself you'll figure
out the rest later. Sidria does all right for herself, but
she plays the dodging card for far too long, with understandable
results. The reptile fellow is clearly a warrior and just
as you're not going to see the warrior spell-casting (if
you do, run, because that's probably not a good thing),
wizards should be relying on spells.
I like to go off on these tangents, especially in long
stories. None of this should be taken as critique per se,
when it comes to writing . . . my only major point is to
encourage you to look for off-kilter ways to do everything
. . . especially with magic, don't settle for the tried
and true, before you use a spell, take a look at it and
go, "How else can I use this in a way you wouldn't
expect?". That's how you keep readers guessing and
keep the story unpredictable and it makes your characters
look smarter, as well. Right now, Sidria looks more lucky
than formidable, which might be part of the plan, but at
the same time for a mage who has some experience in these
matters, she doesn't make out so well here. Cut in the knee?
Levitate, woman, levitate! Gah, these young mages. So much
to learn.
Still, for all my harping, the fight is an effective piece
of writing. The revelation of the attacker as Reptile Man
on the one hand makes Sidria look smart (for a race nobody
ever really sees, she sure knows a lot about them) but the
sudden burst of exposition runs the risk of crashing the
party and bringing it to a halt. While the quick history
and weapon lesson shows that you thought out this new world
(but we believed you already, trust us), the middle of a
fight probably isn't the best time to introduce us to all
that information. I would have just stuck with keying the
reader in that the lizard dude was from a fairly rare race
and pointing out that he had an interesting looking sword
and leaving it at that. Everything else is fairly extraneous
. . . if we need to know it, it'll come up later when the
story dictates it. I have literally notebooks of backstory
that most people have never seen (unless they're foolish
enough to ask me about it) . . . it's there if I need it
and it informs the background actions of various characters
but I don't need to go out of my way to reference it if
I don't have to.
With all that out of the way, I just have to ask . . .
how did the Darconite smile? Lizards don't have lips.
Okay, okay, I'm moving on.
Back to the Inn, then, and our original heroes. Again,
the detail that was sorely missed in the previous chapter
is back here in full force, Gabe does an excellent job here
at conveying a crowded and noisy bar. You can tell you're
in a fantasy world because every inanimate object has a
name. I guess in the absence of cars, weapons have to do.
Valdor is still quite the unfriendly guy and a bit of a
hypocrite . . . he berates Hadrian for calling him "Val"
but in the process calls him "Halfling". Hey,
you reap what you sow, buddy! Valdor definitely has the
patented HeroSpeak going for him, while Hadrian's dialogue
is fairly relaxed and natural, Valdor's in contrast seems
tortured, like he's trying to sound like someone tough and
mysterious. "You know as well as I that our travels
have left many with revenge in their seething hearts and
the bitter taste of vengeance on their tongues . . ."
lines like that come across like Conan mainlining testosterone.
With dialogue the best thing to do is either sound it out
in your head or read it outloud . . . if it doesn't sound
like something normal people would say, it probably needs
tweaking. I know Valdor is following the Hero Archetype
and as such certain things are expected of him, but still,
he comes across like he's trying to be all dramatic.
It's good to see Sidria interacting with the characters
in the main story, since it lets us know that the fight
in the chapter actually has something to do with the plot,
although I'm not sure if it was a good thing to end the
fight with the Darconite on a cliffhanger with Sidria's
life in peril and then have her show up in the Inn perfectly
all right with the Darconite's crystal in tow . . . so much
for the suspense. And the eventual resolution of the fight
seems a bit anti-climatic considering how dramatic and brutal
the actual fight was . . . the guard just shows up and kills
the lizard-guy? Well, that was easy. Unless of course Sidria
is lying about that and she really turned into a giant werewolf
and ate the lizard, which would be kind of neat but I sort
of doubt that happened. I'm not sure what I would do otherwise
because she's introduced so early into Valdor's section
o the chapter that you would have to rearrange the entire
structure of the chapter for anything to make sense. I do
think it's a better idea to show Sidria getting saved by
the guard, even if you're not clear on who it is, you can
at least a) show that she made it out alive and b) give
the reader a little extra tension by hinting that she might
still be in hot water because you can't tell who saved her.
And then in the interim you can putz around in the Inn until
she shows up, where she can then reveal it was the guard
who saved her. But the current structure makes the fight
superfluous, it's like me staging a big, complicated bank
robbery and then in the next scene having two characters
in an office comment, "And then the cops came and arrested
them all. But boy it was tense for a while!" You do
that sort of thing if you're trying to be all ironic and
stuff and for a quick laugh. Otherwise it just defuses all
the tension . . . the reason for a cliffhanger is to make
the reader keep reading so they can find out how it gets
resolved. If you resolve it right in the next section, basically
off-panel, then why did they read the fight in the first
place? The two sections are separate from each other . .
. my only suggestion would be to really cross-cut the two
sections . . . keep shifting back and forth between the
Inn and Sidria getting the crap kicked out of her, this
way you sort of create an artificial tension by jumping
back and forth rapidly (plus the added tension in the Inn
scenes because you don't know what she wants with Valdor)
and giving the fight a kinetic angle . . . yeah it's false
jeopardy because the reader will know she lived, but by
breaking it up you can both illustrate her story better
than her just telling it to Valdor and if you're really
sneaky have the sections compliment each other (like the
scene in Alan Moore's Watchmen where Dr Manhattan is being
interviewed and the other two people are getting mugged
in the alley, the two compliment each other in strange ways,
like when the reporter says, "Am I making you uncomfortable?"
just as one of the thugs gets kneed in the crotch . . .
that's priceless) and it'll add a nice bit of resonance.
I have to admit, as clever as Hadrian's rhymes are, he's
starting to remind me of Jonathan Richman's character in
There's Something About Mary. And we all know what happened
to that guy. The rest of the chapter continues the slightly
anti-climatic vein of the previous section, since Sidria
basically tells us "By the way, I survived", which
is all the rest of her story really amounts and to make
it even worse she survives really only through sheer luck
that a guard showed up. Realistic maybe, but not very bracing
fantasy. Though Valdor's hatred toward the city guards rivals
that of gangster rappers towards the police. Shoot to kill,
yo! The end of that sequence could be ignored if it served
as a launching point for another mystery, but all she does
is finish her story and praise the guards and chastise Valdor
for not liking the guards and then the chapter basically
ends, without giving us much of a reason to read further.
If Sidria had hinted what she had wanted with Valdor and
ended with some strange request ("And now that I have
this crystal, only you can fling it into the giant volcano!")
that would give the reader a reason to continue on beyond
this chapter. But there's nothing and that's a bit of a
problem. When you're writing a multi-chapter story, especially
an action-oriented one like fantasy, you have to end the
chapter on some kind of a tease, maybe not an outright cliffhanger
(you'll bore the reader if you keep reusing the same "Will
they or won't they" trick every single time) but something
to give the reader a reason to turn the page other than
sheer inertia, especially in the beginning. And it's truly
vital in the beginning because the reader is brand new to
this world and these characters . . . you know how cool
everything is but they don't and so you have to give them
a reason to keep going until they get used to the characters
and get a handle on the plot. So you keep throwing out twists
and cliffhangers to keep them turning until they're so engrossed
in the plot it really doesn't matter. To end this chapter
on a bit of a flat note so early on makes the pace stumble
slightly. All the threads are basically tied up, as far
as the reader is concerned. Sidria is okay, the halfling
is goofing around in the Inn, Valdor didn't even experience
a vision this chapter and the fight was basically an isolated
event. It's all neat and pat and it's too soon for everything
to be neat. This is the point where you start to throw a
hundred different things at the reader to keep them interested
and make the story as messy as you can. This way when you
pull it all together and wrap it up, the reader will be
impressed because in the beginning they won't be able to
see how it all comes together.
So, to me, this chapter represents a step sideways. Some
things work really well and are markedly improved from the
first chapter, notable the detail in the narration (even
Hadrian's songs have become more interesting, or at least
more relevant) and you continue to move the story along
at a decent pace. The fight is well thought out and suitably
brutal, you do a good job of conveying people trying to
kill each other, even if the mage becomes all defense after
that flaming arrow fails (Plan B, kids, plan B). The dialogue
still reads well even though some of the characters (*cough*
Valdor *cough*) still suffer from moments of Acute Fantasy
Syndrome in their dialogue patterns, but that'll either
get better as you get used to the characters, or I'll get
used to it and shut up about it. The biggest issue here
is the chapter structure and the overall pacing . . . each
scene is paced well in itself but it all has to come together
for the chapter to work . . . though separate, each section
has to play off the others and if you're going to bounce
from one to the other you have to alternate while moving
forward. Don't be afraid to break sections up and alternate
them, tossing in little cliffhangers along the way to keep
the reader reading both sections. If you just deal with
them separately you have nothing to keep the reader moving
on. Actually the first cliffhanger, as Sidria is about to
receive a big hurting, is well constructed, but it gets
deflated too quickly, as I detailed above. You don't ever
want the reader to say "That's it?" in regards
to a potential resolution or twist. Always keep them guessing,
always keep tossing out little mysteries to keep them turning
pages. Even if it gets resolved on the next page at least
you got them to turn the page and you can always replace
it with another one.
Writing novels is not easy. I've done it a number of times
now and I've never caught myself saying, "Phew! That
was a breeze!" And I wish I was the type of person
people looked at and said, "Boy, he makes that look
easy" but that's just not possible. A lot of this stuff
you only start to feel instinctively as you go along, it's
the invisible things that published authors do that we don't
really pay attention, all the fishing line and chewing gum
that holds the story together but it's behind the curtain
so nobody ever sees it. Things like cliffhangers and pacing
I can try to break down and I can try to explain but the
bottom line is, you won't know what I'm talking about until
you know what I'm talking about. Eventually you'll "feel"
the rhythm of a chapter and you'll know what scene has to
follow a specific scene and the individual components that
make up an scene, it'll just seem natural. But a novel isn't
just something where you start at the beginning and just
keep banging away until you get to the end . . . that's
real life and stories aren't really life, alas. They'd be
a lot less exciting if that wasn't the case. But a novel
and a story has its own rhythm and if you're going to show
multiple scenes in a chapter, you can't just go "Here's
one scene" and then "Here's the next scene"
without dangling something before the reader to keep them
from going off and watching television. A story is an organic
thing, let all the parts mingle freely together. I don't
know how else to explain it. I'd show relevant sections
from my own stories but frankly that feels arrogant, like
I can do it better than anyone else. I can't. But I'm the
only one around explaining stuff, so you're stuck with me
for the moment unfortunately.
I think I've hammered my points here to death. I wish I
could be specific about certain things but that might bring
me perilously close to writing the story for you, which
is definitely the wrong approach. The best I can do is point
out stuff that you may want to focus on in future chapters
(or rewrite this one, my recommendation is to move forward,
to be honest . . . if you get too obsessed with perfecting
a chapter you'll never get anywhere . . . get the story
down first then worry about tweaking it in any major fashion)
and if you think I'm on the right track, feel free to incorporate
it. Otherwise, you do what you have to do. But I think this
is a strong story with interesting characters (Sidria is
a nice addition, although in this chapter all she does is
get beat up and act mysterious . . . the last section with
her is well written but I think it's out of place) and the
potential for a riveting central plot . . . you just have
to light the fire under the readers and give them a reason
to keep on turning pages. Once you do that, you'd be surprised
how fast the rest of the story falls into place, it'll essentially
write itself. It still won't be simple, but it'll be a start.
Gee, a few more paragraphs and this'll be longer than the
chapter itself. But I think we've all suffered enough. Gabe,
nice work and very much a step forward from the first chapter,
I look forward to seeing where you go with this in the third.
And that's two columns written in the same month. Whoa.
I'm sure there's a meteor coming for my head as we speak.
A completely undeserved fate? Who's to say?
Not me, I'll ducking and covering. The Universe will never
find me under here.
- MB
5.31.04
"My hands round your throat, if you I kill you now,
well, they'll never know . . ." - Tindersticks, Until
the Morning Comes
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